Don’t You Know Who I Am?

Why of course we know who you are, sir! Please, let me show you to your table:

If you think there’s no such thing as a free lunch, then meet Mac Montandon.

The 34-year-old free-lance writer from Brooklyn lived high on the hog in the Big Apple for five days, scoring not only free lunches, but breakfasts, dinners, lodging, theater tickets, booze — even an appointment for a complimentary colonic.

“I didn’t do it to be malicious, it was more of a curiosity — just how far could I push it?” Montandon, who chronicled the adventure for his Web log www.blacktable.com, told The Post.

To see just how far p.r. reps would go to get publicity for their clients, Montandon printed up business cards for seven fictitious magazines with ridiculous premises. Next, he hit the phones, schmoozing publicists about featuring their products in his mags.

The freebies and invitations rolled in, including a costume party thrown by the Hearst family in an Upper East Side mansion, where he hobnobbed with Ivana Trump; meals at the Gramercy Tavern and Tavern on the Green; “Sweeney Todd” tickets on Broadway; and lodging in Brooklyn B&Bs.

“If this was my full-time job, I could have gotten a lot more,” he said.

“I’m fairly certain I could have acquired a Smith & Wesson pistol, a karaoke machine, hockey equipment, Trojan condoms, a night at a sleep-therapy lab, Canadian bird-flu vaccine, and nights at the Hilton and Trump International Hotel.”

See also: The Best Things In Life Are Given To You By Publicists: How To Score Loads Of Free Shit.