Subway Etiquette

As noted below, the MTA is revising its rules of conduct. The zombie-esque photography ban is perhaps the most controversial, but there are other proposed rule changes — not putting one’s feet on the seats, for example.

A Quirky Op-Ed in the Times today (in the quirky corner of the op-ed page, i.e., the lefthand page down at the bottom) tackles the issue of legislating subway etiquette:

The transportation authorities should ask rush-hour passengers what other rules they should impose.

Almost certain to top the list would be a “three swipes and you’re out” edict, sending would-be riders to the back of the line at crowded turnstiles when they cannot make their MetroCards work. Pole leaners, who deprive others from holding on when the train is hurtling and snaking along at breakneck speed, would be forced off the train, or forced to ride in the middle of the car without anything or anyone to grip for balance. Loud talkers would be seated next to anyone who is snoring.

All of the people on the train would have to cover their mouths when they coughed and noses when they sneezed or be herded into a car with other germ-delivering riders. Dogs would be allowed to ride subway trains, but not peddlers of candy bars or jewelry. And anyone who gave up a seat to someone in need would get a free ride (this could be declined by those few believing that kindness is its own reward).

I’m adamantly opposed to allowing dogs on the subway (yuck!), but as I read the piece this morning on the subway, I could think of several other fine additions:

• Blocking the Doors Like a Big Dick is Prohibited. Example: The stop at Lexington opens on this side, so I will stand my ground at all costs so as to be the first to exit the train, those trying to get on around me be damned.
• Step Aside and Let the Passengers off First! This particular annoyance is best expressed through the conductor’s admonition during rush hour: “Step Aside! Step Aside!” On certain passive-aggressive days (or aggressive-aggressive days), I find myself waiting until oncoming passengers get out of my way before exiting, creating a time-wasting faceoff during rush hour.
• Step All the Way into the Car Please! See above. I wonder if those who do not Move All the Way Into the Car, Please! do it out of spite for those who have a shorter commute. The stripper-like pole leaner described in the Times piece tends to exacerbate this condition.
• Vigilante Justice Perpetrated Against Bootleg DVD Vendors. Having been convinced that the proceeds of bootleg DVDs fund international terrorism, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve developed a bad habit of simply stepping on them when they’re in the way.

There are always other subway annoyances . . . this list is sure to grow.