If It Ain’t Broker, Don’t Fix It

After shocking, revealing the broker business’s seemy underbelly and coming to terms with the horrible truth about the industry — all the while creating a stir — Brian Carter now finds some middle ground in pointing out who the real chumps are:

It’s crucial to separate the winners from the losers as early as possible. The winners are hard to come by and more difficult to spot. The losers, on the other hand, often announce themselves quickly; sometimes seconds into a conversation.

“Yeah, uh, hi. Do you have any no-fee apartments?” It still happens, and it still drives me crazy. The moment this question is asked I know I’m dealing with a complete idiot. It’s no crime to look for a no-fee apartment, but why call a broker? You may as well ask if I have any free haircuts, or if I’m giving out free backrubs. I picture this same caller asking a bartender if he has any no-fee beer.

You want a no fee apartment? Call a landlord. If you don’t know any landlords try asking a super. When that doesn’t work, pick up a paper and hit every no-fee apartment you can find, but get there early. If all else fails, call me, but at that point, expect to pay a fee.

“Yeah hi, I’m looking for a two bedroom in the West Village with a large living room. I need a doorman for packages, because I travel a lot, and the second bedroom is essential because my family likes to visit.” This wouldn’t be a terrible request, except that they can only afford a one bedroom without the doorman, and with the money saved by renting a smaller place, their family could stay in the penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton, and have a better time.

P.S. Don’t miss Carter’s Rental Dementia blog for more dispatches from the other side . . .