New York City, Where The Only Thing That Isn’t Restricted Is The Number Of Terms A Mayor Can Serve

In some ways I would love for him to run for President because at least then he might be a little more distracted and stop proposing such stupid ideas:

The mayor, who said he occasionally drank a diet soda “on a hot day,” contested the idea that the plan would limit consumers’ choices, saying the option to buy more soda would always be available.

“Your argument, I guess, could be that it’s a little less convenient to have to carry two 16-ounce drinks to your seat in the movie theater rather than one 32 ounce,” Mr. Bloomberg said in a sarcastic tone. “I don’t think you can make the case that we’re taking things away.”

He also said he foresaw no adverse effect on local businesses, and he suggested that restaurants could simply charge more for smaller drinks if their sales were to drop.

We could make this better by hitting a NYC hat trick: Mandating low-salt lox, mini bagels and nitrate-free hot dogs . . .

Solution: Ban Seeded Bagels

This could rival the War on Brunch for municipal stupidity, except I think the Health Department probably just needs more cash for a new campaign against another food additive. I don’t know how else to interpret the agency citing a bagel shop for having too many sesame seeds on its floor:

A Health Department spokeswoman said the bagel shop was cited on Oct. 23, 2011, for “a heavy accumulation of seeds in the same area that many mouse droppings were found.”

No mice were detected in an earlier inspection on Aug. 1, 2011, and none were found in the latest inspection on April 5, when B&B was awarded the highest cleanliness grade of “A.”

Now, [the bagel shop owner] and his son [. . .] have invested close to $900,000 in larger stainless steel preparation tables — in hopes of containing seed fallout — and an expensive water-filter vacuum to suck up the seeds from the floor.

Brooklyn Jumps Shark, Steals Shark’s Wallet And Cellphone, Then Gives Shark A Wet Willie, Because Of Course Sharks Have Ears, Too

Despite widespread dissent about the so-called War on Brunch, even at the highest levels of Brooklyn local government, Brooklyn’s Community Board 1 doubles down, and looks fucking stupid in the process:

Community Board 1 public safety chairman Tom Burrows asked neighbors to join his fight and help monitor illegal brunching activity at a 94th Precinct council meeting in Greenpoint on Wednesday.

“If you see restaurants serving brunch on the sidewalk before noon, call 311!” said Burrows — who has come to play the role of General Patton in the escalating conflict. “I didn’t pass the law, but that’s the law.”

Oh please.

Unlike The Mayor, Sometimes You Own The “Communist Russia” Comparison

The other day the mayor tried out a Commie Soviet comparison. This guy, however, really owns it:

Leon Kogut, who opened Leon’s Fantasy Cut at Newkirk Plaza more than 20 years ago, said he was going about his business back in February when city Department of Consumer Affairs inspectors came in and started asking him questions about his cash register.

“They asked me how come my cash register doesn’t give receipts and I said this cash register is from 1912!” said Kogut. “Nobody asks for receipts here — it’s a barber shop.”

. . .

Kogut, a Russian immigrant, says he’ll move on from the fines — but the ordeal reminded him of the country he left decades ago.

“In the Soviet Union it was almost the same,” he said. “They went around to businesses just like this. . . .”

The Scourge Of Occupy Chestnut Street

Because ultimately they’re just rats with good P.R.:

They are marauding gangs of troublemakers who set fire to cars, cut electrical wires and cause power outages, evading capture by scaling walls and climbing trees.

. . .

“It’s like Occupy Wall Street here,” lamented [the] president of the under-siege co-op at Glen Oaks Village. “It’s gotten worse in the past six months. We’re getting calls that they are in people’s apartments.”

And then the kicker:

But while the Queens co-op residents being terrorized by the daredevil vandals say they know exactly who their tormentors are, they insist that they’re helpless in stopping the crime wave — because the suspects are sex-happy squirrels.