How Not To Get Rid Of Unwanted Animals

People, if you have an unwanted sheep please do not just dump it in the cemetery. Not only is it cruel but it also makes for bad puns in the Daily News, like “Ewe won’t believe this: Sheep was on the lamb.”

Now That We’ve Got Your Attention . . .

As authorities worry about suiciders in the subways, meteorologists are becoming increasingly concerned about the prospect of devastating hurricanes as well:

It turns out that the region’s emergency managers aren’t only worrying about terrorism these days. The big topic of discussion at the Melville, Long Island, Hilton was hurricanes. And the strong consensus is that the metropolitan region is due for a big one. Overdue, in fact.

The 1938 Long Island Express, a borderline category-4 hurricane that plowed into West Hampton, causing widespread death and devastation across New York, New Jersey and New England, was the last major hurricane to hit the region. Statistically speaking, “a storm of that magnitude may repeat every 70 to 80 years or so,” [Director of Watch Command at New York City’s Office of Emergency Management Mike] Lee says. “So, do the math. Whether it happens this year, next year, or in five years, it’s going to happen.” And with this year’s hurricane season forecasted to be even busier and more dangerous than last year’s record-setter, “It’s just a matter of time,” Lee says.

As to which areas will be hardest hit, it’s basically everywhere:

To get a sense of the damage that storm surge can do to New York City, call 311 and ask them to send you a full-color copy of the New York City Hurricane Evacuation Map. It is a truly mind-boggling document. If a storm like the Long Island Express makes a direct hit on the city, everything below Broome Street will be inundated, some parts under as much as 20 and 30 feet of water. Chelsea and Greenwich Village are completely flooded, with the Hudson spilling over all the way to 7th Avenue. Likewise, the East River and East Village become one, with ocean water surging all the way to 1st Avenue. If you haven’t evacuated before the storm, forget it. During the storm, Manhattan’s east- and west-side highways vanish. Tunnels and bridges become unusable.

The outer boroughs also get hit hard. Opposed to that new Ikea being built on the waterfront in Red Hook? Don’t worry. There’s a decent chance it won’t be there after a moderate-size hurricane. Residents of Williamsburg-Greenpoint should seek out a male and female of each species and get in their arks. In a kind of one-two-punch effect, a major hurricane will push ocean water down from the Long Island Sound into the Upper East Side, South Bronx and northern Queens, flooding those areas severely. Vast stretches of southern Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island will be devastated. The map shows Atlantic Ocean storm surge reaching as far inland as Flatbush, just south of Prospect Park, with 31.3 feet of water atop Howard Beach.

Makes some nitwit in a bomb vest seem rather innocuous, no?

New MTA Rules to Encourage Running on the Platform

The MTA announced a new batch of rules yesterday, including a ban on moving between cars. Notably absent: a ban on photography (woo hoo!). The Times explains what’s new:

Subway riders afflicted by broken air-conditioning, foul odors, children selling candy bars for occasionally dubious causes and even the random groper have long sought relief by quickly switching cars.

No more.

Moving between cars – as well as resting one’s feet on the seats, sipping from an open container (even a cup of coffee) and straddling a bicycle while riding the subway – will be prohibited under a new set of passenger rules adopted by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s transit committee yesterday, the first such rule changes since 1994.

While riding between cars is already forbidden, managers at the authority said they wanted to make clear that even quickly darting from one car to another while the train is in motion is dangerous.

There is only one way, they said, to move safely to another car – exiting the train at the next station and then quickly re-entering it, even if passengers making a such a dash could face other perils, like tripping, smashing a finger or losing a purse between rapidly shutting doors.

Ha. Exactly.

The MTA’s full board now must vote on the changes. Apparently there is some dissension about the proposed moving-between-cars rule:

Mark Page, the city’s budget director, who represents Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg on the board, observed: “It is, from time to time, convenient to absent oneself from a car or from a particular group of people.”

Let’s put it this way — it is from time to time convenient to absent oneself from a car or from a particular group of people when, say, a big J.O. party is underway on the 3 train:

Riders like Beatrice McCants, 30, said they had faced many such occasions. Ms. McCants, who works as a newspaper distributor in Midtown, said she was riding a Brooklyn-bound No. 3 train Wednesday when a man began masturbating in plain sight. “I thought, ‘I’ve got to get off this train,'” she recalled. “Now I’m going to get a fine for that, for running from a flasher? I won’t pay it!”

Now that’s a quote! (Nice job, Sewell!)

This quote, however, doesn’t help:

“Let’s say you get on the train in the front, but you’re in a hurry, and you need to exit in the back,” offered Manny Guzman, a 15-year-old high school student from East New York, who was observed yesterday moving between two cars on an uptown No. 2 train. “It is unsafe, but I do it all the time.” Banning this practice, he added, “makes no sense.”

No, no, no! Don’t say it’s unsafe! That doesn’t make sense! (Bad job, Sewell!)

The final vote is set to take place tomorrow.

Trash Picked

New York Magazine’s guide to trash-picked furniture:

Even an Eames lounge should be left alone if you detect the slightest note of urine.

Yuck!

The Only Worthwhile Travel Guide

Frommer’s finally writes something useful — “Where to Stop Where to Go,” a guide to the city’s bathrooms sponsored by a pharmaceutical company marketing medication for overactive bladders. The Daily News notes the achievement:

Those with an urgent need for a rest room now have a guide for where to go when they need to go – thanks to seasoned travel writer Arthur Frommer, who has felt your pain.

“I experienced firsthand what traveling with an overactive bladder is like – needing to ask strangers about locating a rest room or trying to persuade a salesperson to give me access to those facilities,” Frommer writes in the 75-page travel-tip book “Where to Stop & Where to Go.”

Natives and tourists alike will appreciate the section devoted to New York’s sometimes hard-to-find public powder rooms.

Bonus Points: Where to Stop Where to Go; See also the original bathroom guide, Bathroom Diaries (Big Pharma should have gone there first!); Bathroom Diaries New York Page.