Three Cheers For The Cockroach Czar!

. . . or whoever it is who is tasked to rid the city of the bugs:

The city Health Department is reporting progress in the war on the pests.

A department study found nearly 30% of all city households report having cockroaches, but the agency noted the problem is concentrated in low-income neighborhoods. In the past, infestation affected households at all income levels.

“I have not seen a roach in 10 years,” declared Joe Pepicelli, 68, of Brooklyn, who suggested the reduction is not because people are cleaner. It’s just that “they don’t keep soda bottles and garbage in the hallway.”

Exterminators told the Daily News they believe the roach problem is under control, thanks to new technology.

“There are a lot of options,” said Andy Linares, president of Bug Off in upper Manhattan. “Liquids, gels, aerosols, baits, granulators, growth regulators — all keep a lid on roaches.”

But never fear, for bedbug scaremonger Andy Linares — the Greg Packer of exterminators — will be sure gets his nasty hands on this bit of good news:

But don’t relax just yet. Bedbugs are on the rise.

After A While It Just Gets To Your Head

And your loved ones look at you like you’re Richard Dreyfus sculpting mashed potatoes:

Residents of one of the city’s noisiest neighborhoods are honking mad at hacks who lean on their horns — so they’re cooking up creative ways to quiet the nightly cabby cacophony.

The Lower East Side’s Community Board 3, which has registered 6,133 noise complaints since July, the second most in the city, voted last week to ask the Taxi and Limousine Commission to consider installing a light atop taxis that would glow when a cabby beeps the horn.

This would make it easier for cops to ticket the driver for breaking the city’s noise code, which prohibits excessive horn honking.

“Right now, the police actually have to see a cabdriver honk the horn to issue a ticket, and that’s obviously hard,” said Board 3 district manager Susan Stetzer. “This would allow the police to see exactly who honked and make it easy to enforce the rules.”

The board will include the suggested tattletale light in a letter to the TLC, which is soliciting public feedback as it designs the taxi of the future.

But that’s not the only anti-honking measure the community is clamoring for.

Residents want to see cabs equipped with horns that blare as loudly inside the taxi as outside, creating a natural deterrent.

Next on the list: a meter that knocks $1 off the fare every time the horn honks.

“If the driver lost a buck every time he blew the horn, that would stop him real quick,” said Lower East Side resident Avram Fefer, who called the din on Ludlow Street “absolutely horrible.”

“What Times Square is to the eyes, Ludlow Street is to the ears,” he said.

. . .

And if the community’s suggestions fall on deaf ears? “A very vigorous egg-throwing campaign” might be the answer, according to Fefer.

Why not two levels of horns? A quieter one for when someone is right in front of you and a louder one for real danger? Or at least when you’re six cars back and you want to know what the hold up is . . . (seriously, the culture of honking here is absurd!)

What Did You Expect, D.C.?

If you gave me nice new trains like the ones on the L line — instead of these 40-plus-year-old dinosaurs — maybe I’d be less likely to chuck my chicken bones any which way:

Wet, sticky spots on the train floor, chicken bones, nut shells, spilled coffee, hot dogs and “lots and lots of rolling bottles” often greet subway passengers who travel on the E and the Q trains — rated the dirtiest lines in the New York City subway system in the latest survey by a rider advocacy group.

Riders on the L line, however, are getting the cleanest ride, according to the group, the Straphangers Campaign, which released its findings on Tuesday.

Advantage: Queens

Brooklyn gets greyer (“The war between childless bar-goers and the so-called stroller Mafia has ended at one restaurant: the eatery is offering on-site babysitters to watch children in a separate room while their parents — and everyone else — dine and drink in peace”), while Queens gets funnier:

The Astoria Comedy Club is set to open Friday at Mezzo Mezzo restaurant on Ditmars Blvd. — the only venue in the borough for regular comic relief.

The 75-seat club, located in a performance space on the second floor of the eatery, will be open four days a week for now and feature comedians from across the country.

“About 10 years ago, all the comics moved to Astoria because it’s cheap,” said Matt Taylor, the club’s host. “There’s more talent here per square foot than anywhere, period.”

Coming Down With The Flu? Call 311! Behind On Your Mortgage Payments? Call 311!

Simplify your life, call 311:

The city is launching an advertising campaign discouraging New Yorkers from giving money, food, and clothing to homeless people and asking well-wishers to call 311 for help instead.

“Giving money to a panhandler may seem like you’re being compassionate,” Mayor Bloomberg said yesterday at City Hall. “But you’re really not helping that person long-term, and just keeping that person going in a life that is probably going to continue to spiral out of control.”