Interested in: If the kids get tired of potatoes or dumplings, try cornmeal.
Age: La vecchiaia maledetta e da tutti disprezzate.*
Location: New York. And Newark is not New York.
Occupation: So long as I have five dollars in my pocket, I’m all right.
Education: NYU Law, but lawyers have done more to retard civilization than
cancer and smallpox.
Ethnicity: I am sure you are quite mistaken in the genealogy of my family.
I have never had time to look this matter up myself. In fact the only member
of our family that I know who has a real pedigree is our little Scotch Terrier
known as Mac, who is a son of McIntosh, who is a son of Dundee, who is a
son of Glasgow, but with all that is only a son of a bitch.
Religion: I never thought I had enough Jewish blood in my veins to justify
boasting of it.
MORE ABOUT ME
Last great book I read:
The Sunday funnies on WNYC.
Most humbling moment:
I don’t make many mistakes, but when I do, it’s a beaut.
Favorite on-screen sex scene:
If more husbands would learn from the stage and the pictures how to kiss, and then go home and practice on their wives, there would be happier homes and fewer divorces.
Celebrity I resemble most:
The devil is easy to identify. He appears when you're terribly tired and makes a very reasonable request which you know you shouldn't grant.
Best (or worst) lie I've ever told:
It’s bad to be thinking of another office when you have one. It’s vain and impairs the office holder’s usefulness.
If I could be anywhere at the moment:
Lewisohn Stadium listening to a world which offers symmetry in an age of chaos, design in a time of destruction, beauty in a world at war.
Song or album that puts me in the mood:
Cut that trash off the air! Play Tchaikovsky!
The five items I can't live without:
1) Bread -- the people are crying for bread, not advice; 2) Plows -- I want plows, not typewriters; 3) Relief -- the people need relief, not sympathy; 4) Fast-moving Ships -- I want fast-moving ships, not slow-reading resolutions; 5) Spaghetti -- people can’t eat resolutions and even the people in our country have learned through a period of depression that ticker tape ain’t spaghetti.
Fill in the blanks:
Sliced bacon is sexy; slab bacon is sexier . . . but bacon is just too high and I am not going to plug it. If you do buy bacon, the sliced bacon is 42 cents a pound right now, and slab bacon is 33 cents. If you have large families, I recommend buying the slab bacon because you cannot cut it as thin as the sliced bacon in stores and, therefore, you get more of the nourishment to the children in the thicker slices.
In my bedroom, you'll find:
A chef never cleans up.
Why you should get to know me:
First of all I want you to know I’m not a city slicker. . . . I don’t know anything about farming, but I do eat. I’m an inconsiderate, arbitrary, authoritative, difficult, complicated, intolerant and somewhat theatrical person. It doesn’t matter if I burn my bridges behind me -- I never retreat. This is an administration of action, not words. Give me the riveting gun. I’m sorry I can’t marry all of you.
More about what I'm looking for:
Don’t be just a breeder. Single men in barracks don’t grow into plaster saints, but if you don’t wear your rubbers you may slip and fall. You may slip and fall and hurt yourselves. Then we’ll have to take care of you, and we don’t like to ask our doctors and nurses to take care of any more patients. They are very busy already. So won’t you please be sensible and wear your rubbers?
*Accursed old age is despised by all
