Fortunately There's Still Time To Tackle This Terrible Dessert Culture That Persists

We were driving through Central Pennsylvania this past weekend and along US 11 somewhere there was a McDonalad's billboard that I really wish I would have taken a picture of. That's a good lesson: You don't know when you're going to want to return to something, so you should take a picture of all sorts of stuff.

Anyway, the billboard was pretty simple: Just a picture of an Egg McMuffin with probably a McDonald's "M" arch logo and, if I remember correctly, just two words: "300 Calories."

OK, I thought to Google it and found a picture here. It's actually a picture of an Egg McMuffin with the words "eye-opener" and underneath that it reads "300 calories." There's a "M" arch logo in the corner with the tag "I'm lovin' it," which is that tag that they've had for a while now.

We were on our way to a family event, and when we arrived it didn't take all that long for some of Jen's relatives to bring up what kind of silliness the mayor of New York City was up to. We knew, we knew. Sure, banning cups is silly, and what was worse, etc., etc. We'd been talking about it all week, so we had already mastered the talking points.

I think that's the way the mayor would like it: His administration proposes something "bold," people start talking about it, George Will denounces it on This Week and then all of the sudden not only has he invaded the mental space of people across the Eastern seaboard but you're also trying to explain how and when New York City became so fucking stupid about shit.

Which is why I wish I had a picture of that billboard, because it basically exemplifies how one of the mayor's other stupid ideas ended up so backwards. After all, New York City "pioneered" calorie counts a few years back, on the theory that if people knew how many calories they were consuming, they would think twice about what they ate.

Sometime during the first week of mayorally mandated calorie counts, Jen was at a Dunkin' Donuts, where she overheard a lady remark, surprised, that a doughnut had fewer calories than a bagel, so she would take a doughnut instead. Which is exactly what McDonald's perfected in this Egg McMuffin ad campaign I saw — it might be shit, but it's only 300 calories of shit. Or as they say:

Our signature sandwich is made with a freshly cracked Grade A egg with extra lean Canadian bacon and a slice of melty American cheese, held together by a freshly toasted English muffin. And all that for 300 calories.

Brilliant. They took the mayor's message and co-opted it perfectly.

And that's the biggest problem with the calorie stuff — it's so shallow. The message becomes that it's not so much about healthy eating as it is staying thin. Maybe you know someone who skips meals in order to indulge in vodka drinks later? That's the mayor.

The frustrating thing about the talking head debates was that the "opposition" was the New York State Restaurant Association, which is fine of course — they have a lot at stake — but it meant that the discussion was too polite. So while you listened to all this neutered talk about "serious concerns," "proper advocacy and voluntary measures" and being "adamantly opposed to increased regulation", what you really wanted to hear was someone finally say that "This is fucking stupid." And then instead of hearing equivocal nonsense about New Yorkers being "supportive of taking bold steps to address the problem of obesity" or some such, the headline might read "New Yorkers Find Latest Mayoral Initiative 'Fucking Stupid.'"

For a few days I wondered if anyone outside of the administration actually supported the idea. The closest thing seemed to be some man-on-the-street soundbites of people who thought that obesity was a problem. Then I saw some moron in Newsweek or whatever it is unsheathe some contrarian bullshit about how he was happy that the mayor wants to crack down on soda because soda is "treacly" and gross, and that the mayor probably should double down and mandate that burgers be no bigger than four ounces because larger burgers are equally gross. And then I really wish someone got ahead of the curve and instead of worrying about personal liberty — because that's so "theoretical" — they'd just come out and call this all what it is: Fucking Stupid.

Either that or maybe someone — people in Newsweek or Thomas Farley — can finally come out against dessert. Maybe the president could do this, because I remember he doesn't like sweets. Because there's really no point to dessert — it's just extra calories, mostly empty ones, and loaded with refined sugar. Have you been in a dessert shop? Have you seen the slow, sad twirl of spoons in treacly sugary goo? There's certainly nothing healthy about desserts — as Thomas Farley might put it, "they are particularly associated with weight gain, associated with diabetes and associated with heart disease." And someone should finally do something about it. Maybe even the mayor of New York City.