Pre-Game Remarks On The Occasion Of The Final U12 Boys Game Of The Season

Orangutans! It has been an honor and privilege to ride alongside you this season. I just have a couple of things I want to say–just a few reminders, really–and I'll keep this brief.

Boys, we won some amazing matches and lost some real heartbreakers. There were celebrations and tears. And then there was week three–which was NOT ANY ONE PERSON'S FAULT! Boys, last week was rough, but let's take back "composure" and "resilience" from the sociopaths and FINISH THE SEASON STRONG.

We made mighty progress in playing together as a team and also how to make SMART CHOICES. I mean, this isn't Wirecutter–no cordless stick vacuum is perfect–but there are correct and less-correct ways to read defenses and now you've got the tools! And–as any good producer knows–that comes with a thin veneer of agency.

So, like we've worked on, let's keep Armpit FC–or whatever they're calling themselves this week–honest by building it out of the back early on. Goalies, first look is to your centerbacks, then centerbacks, pass wide to the fullbacks on the touch line. NOTHING IN THE MIDDLE! Whether it's school, east or age, nothing ever good happens when you're mixing it up in the middle. Stay WIDE, like World-of-Sports wide, and stretch out that defense. You'll make mistakes, and that's OK, but you need to be on the same page when it comes to the second child. I may get in trouble for that, but Coach here will back me up on that one.

Throw-ins: first look goes down the line to the winger or the striker. Next option is your center defensive mid, who is set up directly across from you. Third option is back to the centerback position, where we can switch it back for an overload down the opposite side of the field. WHICH IS TO SAY, you have OPTIONS, some more risky than others, but don't worry because we've worked hard this season to prevent any one player from doing too much. Just don't play on top of one another. LESS YERTLE, MORE FOX–except instead of socks, soccer socks. And turf shoes. And please dear Lord, let us make it just ONE WEEK without someone forgetting their shin guards.

Boys, COMMUNICATE! Talk to each other like everyone just finished All Fours. Because we don't want Doink FC–or whatever they're calling themselves this week–picking our pockets. And they sure as heck can't be going through our garbage, because if I've said it once, I've repeated myself a hundred times: BOTTLE DEPOSITS ARE REDUNDANT WHEN THE CITY ALREADY MANDATES RECYCLING. Meaning what? Meaning defenders: pair up, play off of each other's shoulders–it's like we always say, once the car's up on the roof you can't really do all that much to get it back down.

Boys–and listen to me now–when we have the ball in the corner, CENTER IT but also HIT YOUR MARK! Striker goes near post, opposite wing goes far post and the attacking mid ends up at the penalty mark. Good: swing it in. Better: find the open man. Best: find the open space and let the open man fill it. It's the same with corners. And the country's best yogurt. Remember what I tell you and then repeat the mantra: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED? Especially when Saxon words are significantly more economical and appreciably more efficient than their Latinate equivalents. All of which is to say, there IS a wrong time of day to use a public restroom–but the trick is finding those spots.

This season we prioritized competence while making room for incompetence. Also, timing is key! Make runs but stay onside! We don't choreograph plays–this ain't no country two-step–but if you get into the right spot, good things can happen. BE READY–but also know that you've got to work your way up to neck tattoos. It's like your older cousin might tell you, lean in but watch for the cue–because a perfectly executed cross is a thing of beauty–right there alongside plus-ones and physical expressions of love with a committed, conventionally attractive partner.

Finally, remember–GOOD DEFENSE: Closest man closes in fast, stays low, keeps to the side. Stick to your man like a dog's brothy tang on a hot summer hydrant, and when it's right, dig the ball out like so much unwanted hair. Tweezers have stories to tell. And for God's sake, make like it's Easter and BEND YOUR KNEES. Because whether you're playing soccer, football or even good 'ol jouer de foot, bending your knees is the real secret skill move.

Boys, a lot of this stuff is on YouTube–most everything is really–so be curious but cautious, brave but guarded, bold not unemboldened. Lorem ipsum–LOREN IPSUM!–but MOST OF ALL, and LET US BE CLEAR, the best goal is when we HAVE FUN. Now LET'S GO, and may we lay waste to Crash and Burn FC–or whatever they're calling themselves this week.