All The Milky Babies . . .

Jen and I have discussed what would need to happen in order to feel comfortable taking Squeak to a restaurant. We haven't done it yet, mostly because it's a little too daunting. What happens if he cries? Needs to be fed? Needs to be changed? Needs to be changed while he's being changed?

If going to a restaurant is anywhere near the same as eating at home, then several things will happen. One, Monkey will immediately start crying. He's not doing this to be rude, of course — he just values the family eating together, which means that Jen has to feed him at the table. Given how much Jen has been feeding Mr. Baby, she has proven very adept at doing things with one hand these days. Unfortunately, this skill has not yet translated to using the full spectrum of flatware. Which means that certain dishes — those involving forks and knives, for example — are difficult. Which probably means that we shouldn't eat at any restaurant that features both forks and knives.

One thing we haven't been able to get on top of yet is instilling certain values in Animal. Chief of which here is the maxim, "Don't Shit Where You Eat." Because he certainly likes doing that — sometimes even shitting while he eats. Which of course means that we need to take time out to change him, he being sometimes fussy — understandably so — when having to eat with a diaper full of milky dookie.

Neither of these obstacles are dealbreakers in and of themselves. I feel that we can get away with taking The Little Emperor to a place that features picnic tables, preferably in a cavernous room that is mostly empty. That way we could walk around to soothe him, not disturb very many fellow diners and not cheese off the waitstaff in case they were trying to turn a table. Jen's thinking we can swing a church fish fry during Lent or something but I'm questioning the sourcing of the fish — just because we look like a bunch of high schoolers dragging around an infant simulator doesn't mean we can't enjoy our first big night out — we still like nice things!

I say this because I was interested to see the news about Jay-Z and Beyoncé's first lunch with their newborn:

Superstar couple Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted carrying their little bundle of joy in the West Village today, wrapped up against the cold just weeks after they posted adorable photos of the newborn online.

It was the first time the proud parents and baby have been spotted together in public since Blue Ivy was born Jan. 7. The family was seen heading into Sant Ambroeus restaurant for some lunch today.

That would be four-out-of-five-stars-on-Yelp-not-good-for-kids Sant Ambroeus. How did they do that? Where did Beyoncé nurse? Do they have changing tables?

And most of all, can the six of us do a playdate?