For Our Younger Viewers, Go To Google

October 22, 2014


It took me a while to remember what exactly I was repeating, but it eventually came back: ESPN's Scott Van Pelt floridly and eloquently eulogizing the Washington Post's Ben Bradlee during a late night edition of SportsCenter, only doing it in a way that didn't really say anything about Bradlee's legacy, then lazily adding at the end, "For our younger viewers, go to Google." If only he wrote obituaries.


In the post-2 a.m.-class of Tweets, this had to do with what I felt was gratuitous grandstanding — as if there's any other kind! — from our local council member about a large development on the waterfront; it also merited a late night FW: Link email to Goober and Jen. Later I regretted feeling anything, remembering that every single aspect of city government in a one-party city is some form of theater, with outcomes predetermined. In retrospect, I should amend this to "The City Council is fucking stupid."


So our bank, Esahc (read backwards if you care), deigned to tag me with a $12 fee because a direct deposit was $5 under the minimum required to maintain a free checking account. I called and asked them to remove the fee. They did (as they did this month again). Ready to switch banks.


Only in the days afterward learned it was a thing.

October 24, 2014


Um, ya think? So much of the governance of this state (and city) is so fucking crazy-making. With so few media outlets discussing these proposals at all until the waning days of the election, do you think anyone really was that informed about how to vote? New York is so "progressive" . . . except when it comes to voting. A disgrace, and it's hard to believe that everyone in power doesn't prefer it that way.


The people in charge want people to think it's hip not to panic; they are the least hip people on the planet. I don't want to live in a world where elected officials are cool. They're not. And when people think they are, that means politicians have way, way too much power.

October 25, 2014


It was Mark Levine.


I also really dislike the ostentatious use of mass transit. I bet de Blasio didn't even pay his own fare.

October 26, 2014


Like a ham, able to be served at Christmas? The words of ESPN's Mark Jones (harder than I thought to figure out who called this game, but this page exists) after ASU put the game out of reach late in the fourth quarter against the Huskies. This seems to be a go-to line for him; I just wish I understood what it meant.

October 27, 2014


It occurred to me, while out at an artisanal hot dog/cocktail establishment, how ridiculous it is to make music that people dine out to. I'm sure ASCAP is appreciative of their efforts, but people, seriously?


I didn't know you could even buy a Maserati, much less lease one, but being that we're on the topic, who does this?


A close loss, by under a point. Wouldn't have mattered had Sammy Watkins not prematurely hotdogged . . .

October 28, 2014


I'm happy to believe it's my own problem but I much prefer to blame the New York Post. I find myself avoiding clicking on their links, especially on a mobile device. Technology changes everything.

October 29, 2014


The last day of the public radio pledge drive, and I'd heard this bit of opera so many times that I finally had to figure out what it was. It's "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini, and it took so, so long to figure that out:

October 30, 2014


When I say "a portion," it keeps it open ended.


Jamaal Charles had his stats corrected (didn't know this happened), RENDERING MEANINGLESS ALL THE HAND WRINGING ABOUT DALLAS' INABILITY TO GET A SACK LATE IN A MEANINGLESS GAME!!!!!


The answer to the earlier tweet; now we know.


It was early in the season against the Cavs; I think it might have been this exact moment, now that I think about it:

October 31, 2014


A post-1 a.m.-class State Farm quip.

November 1, 2014


Always a good thing . . .


Not me, this, which serves as a great reminder to everyone to avoid ever being interviewed about anything lifestyle related; they always make you sound like a big jerk.

November 2, 2014


Watching the SNL peformance, it just popped into my head. I couldn't remember if Gaddafi ever died (he did, in 2011). I would worry about how this all sounds but Prince seems so fucking weird that it's hard not to think he had this in mind in the first place; as mysterious and inscrutable now as he seemed when I was in grade school. Before they both pass on, he and Mark E. Smith should reimagine "Girl from the North Country" (Nashville Skyline version). (Just kidding about that "passing on" snark: one is 56 and the other is 57 . . . though one looks like 36 and the other looks like 77!)

November 3, 2014


As usual, I had to google what this was to remember what I was repeating. It's as if you already know it's Brooklyn without the Myrtle Avenue reference. The place itself actually seems a lot less annoying than the headline makes it sound.

November 6, 2014


There are moments when the contents of an infant's diaper sound like a Ruth Reichl tweet.

November 9, 2014


Jen's idea to post this; her experience on Saturday. Wouldn't you know it, they never even responded! I guess we didn't follow the rules.

November 10, 2014


12:41 a.m.: Which is to say, "Let's Go to Bed."


If you have a website these people send this shit spam that goes something like "I'm compiling a list of links around the web and here are some I want to share" and four out of five look legitimate and the fifth is some shit about onlineloanjizzbox.com or some such. I'm googling and no one is calling them out and I cannot figure out why. I need an answer about what on earth it's about.

November 11, 2014


A near-3 a.m.-class of tweet: for some reason the Leaving Trains popped into my head:

November 12, 2014


Jen saw me sleeping on the couch and was pissed, wondering why the baby monitor wasn't on: I was like, "Why are we watching people playing poker?"


2:29 a.m.: a second wind! And back to that Cure song: when Robert Smith says "stupid game," it sounds so much like "stew pit." Is there anyone with a "Stew Pit" alias [checking . . .]? Yes! He (he?) has inactive Twitter and Tumblr accounts!


There's just something so awesomely aggro about these words out of context.

Posted: November 15th, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Buddy, Would You Please Put A Fucking Hat On That Baby?

October 15, 2014


Sometimes those Amazon features are just too fucking stupid.


There's a line in Boyz II Men's "Motown Philly" that goes "It's long overdue but now Philly is slammin'" — 12 syllables over just two measures, I think — but the melody has been eddying in my head for a long time now (sort of like those Peyton Manning Nationwide commercials) and I cannot seem to get it to quit.


It's true: I was like, "Did you seriously put me on hold to shill for Andrew Cuomo?" and the guy just sort of plowed through an explanation before requesting that I vote for Cuomo on his panderous Women's Equality Party line. I said "fuck you" and hung up. There's a point of diminishing returns and Cuomo has long since passed it.


And then there was the "Please hold so we can patch you in to an important town hall meeting" call from Carolyn Maloney. We were gerrymandered out of her district a few years ago. One-party rule is bullshit and evil.


City boosters cannot resist "best," "biggest," "largest," and "first" anythings.

October 16, 2014


This is from the website of a famous Chicago pizza place. I really don't have an issue with deep dish pizza — I believe my mind is open enough not to demand delicate thin crusts and tastefully dolloped sauces — but this looks so goddamn disgusting, like some kind of fucked up lasagna trigonometry, that it's hard to take it seriously. I'm sure it tastes good though.

October 17, 2014


So with the memory of the "please hold for an important message" call a few days before still fresh, I saw Pandrew Cuomo's fucking ridiculous Women's Equality hostage video starring his children and semi-homemade partner (including that discredited 77-cent claim and the absurd notion that the only thing standing between decent society and brutal back-alley abortions is Cuomo himself). That sentiment was the first thing that came to mind. Sorry. Sometimes you just have to get it all out. Soon enough it will be over, Pandrew having trounced his Washington Generals-esque challenger, and we'll be free from him until sometime in 2015, I guess.


It's good information to know.

October 18, 2014


Instant Google.

October 19, 2014


Imagine a whole stadium of Rahm Emanuels, almost; so weird looking.


More job-related factchecking; this from the website of a bathhouse. Everything passed along without comment; it's better that way.


The minute I stepped out of the house I knew that some cluck-clucking old timer was going to give me grief about not having a hat on the baby. People, it's 52 degrees (I checked) — the kid will be fine. I avoided eye contact the rest of the way to the bagel shop. Passersby are obsessed with babies' heads and believe me, they'll tell you about it.

Posted: October 20th, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,

SEO Was A Hero To Most But It Never Meant Shit To Me

October 7, 2014


It was really amazing — three penalties called back three Percy Harvin touchdowns . . . THUS PRESERVING WEEK 5 FANTASY DOMINATION!!!

October 8, 2014


Hedging Tweets; isn't everyone as sick of the Giants and Cardinals as I am?

October 9, 2014


I have a feeling that the culprit was an out-of-date link that Google pooped out, but it's a feeling I have often enough to seem common. Do you understand how fucking annoying it is to run over to the laptop to check something while the kids are up and about, only to have some page like Google Fucking Maps load up a bunch of extraneous bullshit and then hang and/or crash? It's a slap in your fucking face, that's what it is. People, be basic, jam econo. In time we can make it a movement. And no, I don't care that it's free fucking content.


The Clash, being basically unassailable, could sell their firstborn to the United Arab Emirates for all I care. Still, this made me do a double take. I was wondering if it was actually Metallica doing the version [checking . . .] it's not. And . . . JFC! . . . I'm learning for the first time that The Clash actually covered it. Honestly, I bet the ad people didn't even realize that until they figured out who to contact for the rights; it's such a sweet spot for the 40-60 set. And, ultimately, it's still not as jarring as the Buzzcocks-AARP ad from a few years back.

October 10, 2014


Self-explanatory; also, the exhaustion is so palpable that the notion that this seems "wise" or "important enough to mention" is totally absurd. Also, that's like every night. But point taken.


HAHA! GET IT? Actually, a project that's being worked upon made me remember something I learned in teacher school about how our brains do better with lower-case, in terms of using the spatial differences to speed reading. It's why SPEECHES WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS ARE SO FUCKING DUMB; your brain is being overextended at a moment when you need to make it look effortless. THIS SUMMARIZES IT!!!!!


It's still a good name, lo these five days later.

October 11, 2014


Sometimes everyday life is completely, utterly, irredeemably unbearable.


SEO was a hero to most but it never meant shit to me. Sorry about that comma there. I guess.

October 12, 2014

Two families on our street motivating early to get somewhere. Please let it be the really crowded pumpkin farm down by Princeton.

— Bridge + Tunnel Club (@batclub) October 12, 2014


As the FarmersOnly.com people can't stop getting across to late-night ESPN viewers, City Folks Just Don't Get It. It was still bonkers at the pumpkin-apple-palooza we visited up in Dutchess County.


Mostly the beer cans. Somewhat the inexplicable and gross hair all over the floor.


SO EXCITED I finally figured out the title/provenance of this piece of music. It's so iconic. If a band covered it I think I'd throw my underwear on stage. There's a similar earworm they use for basketball highlights that I can't Google my way out of.

October 13, 2014


I remember reading this article a long, long time ago and thinking something along the lines of, "Oh, she's only going to be on 12 more Progressive ads then." That must have been 150 ads ago. You'd think that character would be lodged so deeply in your mental space that nothing else would penetrate it, but it's actually such a pervasive ad that she becomes invisible, sort of like the president, or Peyton Manning, or Richard Lewis. The YouTube clip was new to me.

October 14, 2014


Saying the kids say the "darnedest things" belittles their superior sense of timing and insight.


Right? You want to see this, don't you? He is forty-four years old, for Pete's sake.

Posted: October 15th, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , , , ,
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