I Just Ate 900 Calories Worth Of Halloween Candy So Now I Don't Have To

After Halloween our neighbor rang our bell and forced a gallon-sized Ziploc of candy on us, saying she had no willpower. A day later I had two more gallon bags of the stuff from her. The three bags are now ensconced in the upper shelf of a kitchen cabinet in an opaque black bag waiting to be taken to some break room somewhere; no goddamn way is that shit getting anywhere the boys, that's how rattled I was after Saturday night.

It occurred to me that it's been years — like last millennium years — since I've eaten any of these things. I think I know what they're like, but it's worth circling back; maybe candy has changed since then; who knows?

Milky Way: It's like chocolate, caramel and nougat, right? I had to Wikipedia "nougat": whipped up sugary something or other, I guess? So basically sugar two ways covered with milk chocolate? Weird — I think I used to like them. Paired with bourbon, it tastes like plastic.

Kit Kat: "Crisp Wafers in Milk Chocolate." Well, when you put it that way. I always liked the moderating influence of the individual wafers. It's like string cheese. The taste is funny — even though I'm sure the wafer is just a wafer and obviously the milk chocolate is milk chocolate, there's something so distinctive about Kit Kat; it was the one thing I absolutely knew what it tasted like already. I didn't miss them in the slightest. Pairs moderately well with bourbon.

Milk Duds: I have bad memories of these. Yup: cruddy chewy caramel with not nearly enough chocolate, one of those sad, stupid Depression-era names (like "Bit-O-Honey" or "egg cream") and asinine fucking boxes. Bourbon makes the fucking things seize up on your molars; squeaky-toothed shit candy.

[Eight to go and feeling kind of ill.]

Snickers Peanut Butter Squared: New to me, this is basically brilliant candywork. Balanced salty-sweet flavor and nougat that shimmies up your back teeth and lays there, coating, just coating. Mmmm. I forgot to drink bourbon, but whatever's left of the candy is now tasting like softly alcoholic panty hose, a not unpleasant sensation.

Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme: First, what's with the single apostrophe quote thingies around "n"? Oh OK, I see now, and honestly, as much as I try to respect prescriptive grammar rules, this is a fucking idiotic thing to feel strongly about. I don't think even that detour was enough for my blood sugar to stabilize. First thing: this candy bar looks ridiculous, like a kiwi filmed in black and white. It's white chocolate then? White chocolate and crushed vanilla wafers? It's not good, that's for sure. One thing, though — it's great with bourbon, for what it's worth.

Butterfinger: I'm sure I'm not the only one who remembers the Bart Simpson commercials more fondly than the candy itself, which is a hateful chocolate-covered peanut-asbestos brick. Also pairs quite nicely with bourbon.

Crunch: First, what a dumb name. All the better to match such a thoughtlessly designed logo. Candy itself is not bad, but tastes different than I remember, like there's some spice in there — clove, maybe? Is it because of this? I can't evaluate the bourbon pairing because I feel like shit.

[Three to go and feeling like shit.]

Whoppers: Full disclosure: I love malted milk and I love these; they taste exactly like I remember. What's more, they pair wonderfully with bourbon, almost like cotton candy. Also, it looks like in general these have fewer calories per serving [factcheck: no, they actually have more — in general 100 compared with 85-95 for others].

Mr. Goodbar: I used to think that Mr. Goodbar succeeded in taking two perfectly good things — chocolate and peanuts — and making the combined product completely unappetizing. Time has not softened this impression: incredibly, it tastes like there is somehow too much of both the chocolate and peanuts. Also, the underside looks like something in one of the kids' diapers. And the color scheme and logo is ridiculous, and best saved for novelty T-shirts and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Also, quite good with bourbon.

Baby Ruth: Part of this was inspired by realizing that I always disliked Baby Ruths and wondering if my superrefined adult palate could school me in ways my former self couldn't. Nope. It combines the chewiness of a Milk Dud with the treacly sensation of nougat and pure Goodbarian peanut filler. Oh, and it hardly has any chocolate. Don't taste anything anymore.

100 Grand: Thought I would hate this because I never liked them in the past, but it's not terrible. Sure, it's got that boring caramel chew-ever thing, but the crispy part is fun and it seems like there's more chocolate than others. That clove flavor is back — Nestle, is that you? — and its mostly not that terrible with bourbon, but after 11 of these, who can really tell?

In summary: totally not worth it.

Posted: November 4th, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Those Who Can't Do Review | Tags: , , , , ,
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